Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day

Yesterday was tough for me.  Not only was I returning from a week long accreditation visit, but it was Mother's Day.  I missed my mom and wanted to be with her to celebrate the rock of our family, but that wasn't possible.  It wasn't just that missing my mom that was hard, it was that my heart broke.  In January I had a miscarriage, an eptopic pregnancy and we lost our baby. I know I wasn't very far along, but I wanted that baby.  We wanted that baby.  I told a couple people here, and only a few people back home because I didn't know what to say.

I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. I was angry and sad. I shut down, to Jess, my friends, and my students. I just couldn't feel anymore. I put on a front to everyone and didn't act like anything was wrong. But it was...I could have been a mom. Jess would have been a father, an amazing one.

My anger and sadness slowly turned to trust. I heard God whispering in my ear, "Let me heal you."I know God has everything in control, but that doesn't take away the fact that it hurts. I try to seek Him daily and trust that he is writing the most amazing story for our little one's arrival, but it's hard.  Days like yesterday hurt, but I am happy for my friends and sisters at the same time (well let's be honest I am a little jealous too). I spent yesterday curled up in my bed and blamed it on the jetlag, but it wasn't the jetlag it was my heart.

I can't wait to see how God forms our family. I know it is going to be great, but let's be real...I'm not the most patient person. I want something and I go get it.  It's humbling to have to wait and trust. I am learning, and God has made Jess and my relationship stronger through this. In fact, Jess has been the most amazing man through all of it. He's let me cry. Let me pout. He let me be angry and bitter. Listened to me. Calmed my fears. Made me laugh. and just plain loved me.  I'm trying to choose joy.